Absence is Such a Large House
by Kernow66
Summary: After writing 'A Long Way to Arrive at a Kiss', I got to thinking that it might be a good idea to write a similar piece detailing how Kate found that same period of time. So, here it is. The title is taken from another exquisite Neruda poem...because it seemed appropriate.
1. Chapter 1

_"This is hard for me._"

The phone rang. Again. Kate looked at it. Willing it to stop. Her head hurt. Probably because she'd been crying for the majority of the day. She felt sick with hunger but knew she couldn't eat anything. It would either turn to ashes in her mouth or she would actually be sick. The phone stopped. She breathed a sigh of relief. _There's no way I can talk to anyone right now. Not a sales person, not mum...and least of all not...her. Not Caroline._ She curled up on the sofa. Put her Pachelbel CD on repeat and closed her eyes.

She must've drifted off to sleep because the next thing she knew she awoke with a jolt. To start with she didn't know what had woken her but she soon realised that it must've been whoever was banging on her front door. Like the phone earlier, she tried to ignore it but whoever it was seemed intent on not stopping until they got an answer. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the sofa, then got to her feet awkwardly before trudging to the door.

The banging didn't stop until Kate swung the door open. "Jools! Is there some reason you're hammering fit to bust on my door?"

"About bloody time, McKenzie." The redhead pushed her way past Kate, into the cottage.

"Come in Jools, why don't you?", Kate muttered, shutting the door and following her friend through into her living room.

The redhead glared at Kate from the armchair where she was now sitting. "Why have you not been answering your phone?"

"Have you called me?" Kate looked a bit sheepish. She picked up the remote control to her stereo and turned the music off as, with Jools' energy in the room, it seemed incongruous all of a sudden.

"Only about a dozen times." She looked sternly at Kate, then her face softened as she took in Kate's demeanour. Her face drawn and tired, her eyes still a little puffy. "What's wrong, Kate? I'm worried about you."

At her friend's soft concern, Kate crumpled. She sank to the sofa again and started to cry.

Jools looked on in horror and confusion. She quickly got up and then crouched at Kate's feet, placing her hands gently on Kate's knees. "Kate darling, what's wrong?" At that, Kate just cried harder. Jools took Kate in her arms, holding her while she wept. Kate laid her head on her friend's shoulder and sobbed.

Eventually Kate's sobs subsided and she drew away from Jools, reaching to her left to grab a couple of tissues from the box on the table. While she wiped her eyes and blew her nose, Jools moved from the floor and sat next to Kate on the sofa. She gave her time to pull herself together before saying, "I can see why Greg called me now."

Kate's head whipped around to look at her. "Greg called you? _Why_?!"

"He was worried about you. Clearly justifiably." Matter of fact.

"What did he say?"

"Not much." Jools looked at her suspiciously. "Just that you'd been together and he said he was worried about you...because you'd become upset. He asked me to make sure you were ok."

"Ha!" Kate tried to scoff but a residual sob overtook her.

"Kathrine. You need to tell me what's going on." A stern voice.

"Julia. I don't _need_ to tell you anything." Controlled. Annoyed.

Jools sighed. "Fair enough." A pause. Then quietly, "Bloody stroppy mare."

Kate turned to look at her accusingly, her expression changing to mild amusement when she saw Jools' teasing gaze. She sighed heavily. "Sorry."

"I just want to help, Kate."

"Yeah, I know."

Jools looked at her steadily. Waiting. Stayed silent. Maintained eye contact. Green eyes patient.

Kate took a deep breath. "I...slept with Greg."

Jools' mouth fell open. "You did _what_?!" Astounded. Looked at Kate's face. A bit guilty. "What happened to the fact that you're not actually straight? And what happened to the lovely Caroline? Last I heard you two were shagging like bunnies."

Kate swallowed. "It's a...long story, Jools."

"It bloody ought to be!" She looked around. "Where's the wine? I think I'm going to need it."

Kate gestured with her head. "In the kitchen. Help yourself."

Jools got up and walked toward the kitchen. Over her shoulder, "You joining me?"

"No." Jools paused, half-turned and raised an eyebrow. "I'm...not in the mood." Jools looked unconvinced but just shot her a look before continuing to the kitchen.

In a few minutes Jools wandered back into the living room, glass and opened bottle in hand. "Nice wine, McKenzie."

Without thinking Kate said, "It's Caroline's...favourite." Her words tailed off. Drying up in her mouth. Turning to dust. She chewed the inside of her cheek. Looked across the room, focusing on nothing.

Jools, missing nothing, sat back in the armchair. Put the bottle on the table, took a healthy sip of the wine. Looked back at Kate. "Right. Do you want to start with Greg...or with Caroline?"

Kate looked at Jools almost fearfully. Small voice, "I want...to get pregnant. I want a baby, Jools."

Jools looked at her face for a few moments before responding. "You want to try again? After...everything?"

Kate nodded mutely.

"So...is that what the...thing with Greg is?"

Another nod.

"Does he...know?"

Kate looked astonished, "Of _course_ he does! Bloody hell Jools, do you think I'd do _that_?!"

Jools held her hand up as if to quell Kate's angry outburst. An apologetic gesture. "Sorry. Of course you wouldn't." She paused, then, "So...did Caroline know?"

Kate broke eye contact. Looked away. Looked at her CD collection, arranged just as she liked. She remembered Caroline trying to work out her system...

_"__There clearly is no system to it, Kate."_

_She smiled. "Yes there is. It's just not one that you can relate to."_

_Caroline stifled a sigh. "The whole point of a system is that it's logical. Alphabetical by composer for instance, would be logical. Even if they were sorted by...colour it'd have a certain logic...but these are...all over the place."_

_"__They're not all over the place, Caroline." She came to stand behind a confused Caroline, putting her hands on her hips and resting her chin on her shoulder. "You just need to think more...holistically."_

_Caroline threw her hands in the air. "What's holistic about sorting a collection of CDs?"_

_"__Caroline." She took half a step backwards and turned Caroline around gently to face her. "See, that's your problem. You're seeing this as a collection of CDs." Caroline looked confused and opened her mouth to speak. Kate, smiling, placed her index finger gently over her lips. She felt Caroline swallow. "This is not a collection of CDs. This...", she took her finger away and placed a light kiss where it had been. "...is a collection of music. And my system is just that. It's about...", she kissed Caroline again lightly on the mouth. "..mood. It's about tempo, harmony and rhythm...and what that conjures up. It's about...", she put her hands on Caroline's waist and tugged her gently forward. Her lips just centimetres from Caroline's, she continued breathily, "...atmosphere...it's about where the feeling takes you." Their lips met and this time the kiss was longer. Deeper._

_When they finally came up for air Caroline said huskily, "You have me convinced. Your system is far superior." _

_Kate laughed softly, "I knew you'd see sense eventually."_

Kate looked back at Jools. "She knew." A bland statement but Jools could see the pain flickering in her eyes.

"She knew...before...or after?" A tentative question. But one that needed to be asked.

Kate bit her lip. "Before."

"So, did she...dump you?"

Kate winced and then swallowed as if she was trying to quell pangs of nausea. "No." Jools continued to look at her, saying nothing. Kate stared at her blankly for a few moments, then, "I dumped her, ok."

"Because she didn't want you to sleep with Greg?" Quiet. Non-judgmental.

"That had nothing to do with it, Jools."

"Didn't it?"

"Actually, no."

"Then what did it have to do with, Kate?"

Kate looked at the wine. _God, right now I could do with a large glass of that!_ She swallowed hard. "She...Caroline...you know...I told you she was taking me away for my birthday?" Jools nodded. Kate's jaw hardened. A muscle twitched. "Yeah well, she did. Beautiful hotel. Separate bloody rooms."

"Ah."

"Ah indeed."

"So that was what made you...end things with her?"

Kate looked astonished. "Well, wouldn't you?"

Jools didn't say anything for a few moments, then, "I suppose I might've."

"_Might've_?! May I remind you of Anna."

"Kate, we were 20." Patient. Had another sip of wine.

"Exactly. Caroline is 46. 46, Jools. And can't be open about who she is. Who I am to her." Righteous anger.

"Didn't you say she'd been married...to a man for the last twenty years?"

"What has that got to do with it?"

"Well it's not like she's been out all that time, is it?"

"She's not bloody out now." Muttered resentfully. "Do you know what she said?"

"What?"

"As an excuse for not being out, she told me that they still stone gay people in Iran." She looked at Jools with an amazed expression. "She was quite happy to sleep with me here...or at hers...but at a hotel...in Yorkshire...oh no, that was far too dangerous." Scathing.

"Did you know beforehand that she was...scared of coming out?"

"Well she hadn't exactly made any progress toward it."

"Did you talk about it?"

Kate opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again before looking at Jools helplessly and saying sadly, "God Jools, we talked more in bed than we ever did out of it." She got up. "I'm going to get a glass of water. Do you want anything?"

"I'm fine thanks." Jools watched her go into the kitchen, then when she reappeared in a minute or two with a big glass of water, ice cubes clinking, she said, "So, how come you didn't push the conversation beforehand? I know you Kate, you've forced me over the years to talk about things."

"I just...I...well I suppose I thought she might come to it in her own time."

"And you didn't even mention that it was important to you...while you were waiting for her to...come to it?" Jools' green eyes widened in surprise at her friend's behaviour.

Kate took a slow sip of her water. "I suppose...I was being gentle with her."

"And what about you, Kate? Where did you come in the great scheme of things?" Jools picked up her glass of wine. Her green eyes glinted with righteousness above the ruby red in the glass.

Kate took another mouthful of water. Let the coolness refresh and soothe her throat, sore from crying. She swallowed. Looked up into Jools' face. "I...yes ok, I allowed her needs to usurp mine. But I suppose I thought she'd want to be out eventually, Jools. What we had...well it was...wonderful." Her voice cracked and she looked away. Picked up her water again. Sipped.

Jools looked unconvinced. "Decent sex is not the same as a good relationship." Annoyed for her friend.

Kate looked back up quickly. "It was more than just decent sex, Jools!"

Jools looked a bit shocked at Kate's sharp tone. "Sorry, I didn't mean to imply...only you said you talked more in bed than you ever did out of it."

Kate blinked. She wanted to cry. _Why? Why do I want to cry again? God, I've already cried too much over Caroline._ A slightly shaky voice. "We did, yes. It sometimes seemed that our only quality time together was in bed. It was certainly pretty much the only time Caroline opened up properly." She paused, then tried for a lighthearted tone. "And for the record, the sex was bloody fantastic."

Jools raised one eyebrow. "Glad to hear it, Katie." She smiled.

Kate poked her tongue out in response to Jools calling her Katie and Jools blew her a kiss.

There was a companionable silence and then Jools asked, "So...Gregorian then. How'd that come about?"

Kate smiled at Jools' use of Greg's university nickname. "I just asked him...and he said yes." Kept it light. Kept it brief.

"Well he would, wouldn't he?"

"Why would he?"

"Oh Kate. Greg has always had the hots for you. Even after you split up and then started going out with Kim."

"I'm not sure that's true, Jools."

"Trust me, it is." Green eyes looked into brown seriously for a few moments. "So, I take it, it's possible you could now be pregnant?"

A nod. "But it's far too early to even think about that."

Jools nodded. "Hence abstaining from alcohol." A statement, not a question. Another nod. "Have you thought this through, Kate?"

"Of course I have, I'm not a child!" Immediately felt bad. "Sorry. But you know I've wanted a baby for a long time, Jools."

"I know you have." Gentle. A pause. "Did you talk to Caroline about this?"

"A...bit."

Jools gazed at Kate intently. Her green eyes seemed cat-like. "Was she...supportive? Did she want this too?"

Kate wavered under her gaze just for a moment but then seemed to steel herself. She sighed heavily and started to cry. "I have absolutely no idea, Jools." She looked down at the carpet under her feet. A tear fell on the small stain there, highlighting it. The one bit she hadn't been able to remove, despite both her and Caroline scrubbing it. Afterwards.

_Kate sat on the floor in between Caroline's legs, who was behind her on the sofa. Caroline was stroking Kate's hair. Alternating between running her fingers through it and smoothing it. She moved downwards, stroking her neck._

_"You have such a beautiful neck, Kate."_

_"I'm glad you like it."_

_"I do." She moved slightly and managed to be able to bend just enough to kiss Kate's neck. Her hands dropped to Kate's shoulders and she gently massaged them._

_"Mmmmm...oh Caroline, that's lovely."_

_"Is it?" A playful tone. "So what's my reward?"_

_Kate smiled. "It's funny you should say that..." She got up and went to the kitchen. Before reappearing she said, "Close your eyes, Caroline." Caroline did as she was told. "They closed?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Open your mouth." Caroline duly obliged._

_Kate came back in, knelt at her feet, took a strawberry, cheekily dipped it in Caroline's glass of wine and gently touched it to her lips. Caroline took the end of the strawberry in her mouth, biting it as she realised what it was. As she bit it, the wine it'd been dipped in, combined with the ripe fruit's juices were released and it dripped down her chin. She went to wipe it with her fingers but Kate grabbed her hand as she dipped her head toward Caroline, then deftly licked the ruby drops from the corner of her mouth. Caroline opened her eyes in surprise but closed them again as she experienced the touch of Kate's lips against hers._

_As the kiss ended, Caroline reached to the arm of the sofa where Kate had balanced the bowl of strawberries. She picked one out, dunked it in her wine and trailed it across Kate's lips. "You have the...sexiest mouth, Kate." Kate opened her lips and took the strawberry. She bit it sensuously, then leaned toward Caroline, wordlessly asking for a kiss. They kissed deeply for a while, then, breaking away, Caroline said breathlessly, "I'd like to eat the rest of these strawberries...off you."_

As Kate tearfully looked at the small stain on the carpet that was all that remained of that evening, she said quietly, "Y'know Jools, outside of our physical relationship, and barring a couple of minor instances, I don't think Caroline and I really ever told each other what we wanted." She looked up sadly into her friend's sympathetic, green eyes, "I never even felt I could tell her that I...", her voice broke, "...loved her." Tears poured down her face.

Jools swallowed, physically moved by Kate's sorrow. She got up and joined her on the sofa, where she put her arms around her. Comforting. Soothing. Kate snuggled into her, accepting her comfort and feeling comfortable doing so.

Eventually she pulled away, for the moment feeling a little calmer. Jools moved her arm from around Kate's shoulder and patted her leg, saying tightly, "Are you sure you should've ended it, Kate? Maybe you should've just worked on what you had?"

Kate looked at her, surprised. "You're saying I should settle?!"

"No, of course not. But you clearly had something...or you wouldn't be so upset now."

Kate's soft, brown eyes, gazed into Jools' insightful green. "We did have something, yes. But I can't count on her, Jools. I can't...trust her."

Jools looked at her clearly. Saw her. Wasn't sure what to say, so just tried to show she was there for her. She took her hand. Pale skin on dark. Squeezed comfortingly.

Kate looked at their hands. Felt the warmth and comfort of her friend. Felt...overwhelmed all of a sudden but tried to smile at Jools, thanking her for her support...her love. Underneath though, she was panicking. _How the hell will I ever sleep again with no hand to hold?_


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks so much for all your kind reviews for the first chapter. Real life and a holiday have intervened in the meantime, so this second chapter has taken longer to appear than I'd've hoped.

Thanks always to my lighthouse for shining her beam my way.

* * *

><p><em>"...I was a coward...I won't be again.."<em>

3:14am. Kate sat in the armchair, her knees tucked under her chin, staring into space. Inside her mind was angry. _Fuck you Caroline Elliot! Fuck you! Leaving me here...on my own. You know how I am! You know!_

It'd been after 9:30pm before Jools had left, eliciting the promise from Kate that she'd call her if she'd needed her. Kate had agreed but knew she wouldn't. Knew she couldn't explain, not even to Jools, one of her oldest friends. Knew she couldn't go there...couldn't expose herself. Not again. _I mean, look how that had turned out with Caroline!_

Now, Kate wondered how she was going to adjust. She'd gone to bed after 11pm, thinking if she was tired enough then sleep would come. She hadn't reckoned on the bed sitting there mocking her though. As soon as she'd entered the room, there it was. Slightly mussed. Like Caroline's hair had been. Afterwards.

A sob had caught in her throat as she looked at the bed and remembered. Caroline had stood where she stood now, watching Kate as she'd finished packing her bag for her birthday weekend away.

_Kate, already a little flustered, had looked up as she'd bent to her chest of drawers. "I'm sorry, Caroline. I won't be a mi..." Her sentence had disappeared along with her voice as she saw Caroline's predatory gaze._

_Caroline walked into the room. In two long strides she reached Kate, taking her hand and pulling her to her feet. She softly cupped Kate's face before claiming her lips. The kiss was soft and hot and as it escalated in passion, Kate took control and backed Caroline up toward the bed. She felt Caroline's legs hit the bed frame and she pushed her gently backwards onto the mattress, falling with her in the process._

_Kate wormed her way under Caroline's white t-shirt and skimmed her hands over her ribs and her stomach. She moved to one side to allow herself greater access and immediately took advantage, sliding a hand around Caroline's back and deftly undoing her bra in one easy movement._

_Caroline looked up, quirked an eyebrow. "That...was quite impressive...but Kate, I really don't think we have time."_

_Kate, already undoing the button on Caroline's jeans, smiled. She bent her head and kissed Caroline's stomach before saying, "You may not have time...but I definitely do."_

_Afterwards, she kissed Caroline's stomach again before standing up and saying cheekily, "C'mon then, we don't have time for lying around...we need to get going, don't we?"_

_Caroline, looking somewhat dazed, lay on Kate's bed, her jeans and underwear on the floor and her t-shirt and bra somewhere up around her neck. "Bloody hell Kate...look what you've done to me! And you haven't even given me chance to...reciprocate!"_

_Kate smiled. "Oh you can definitely reciprocate. Later."_

As it happened of course there'd been no 'later'. And so there she stood. In the doorway of her own bedroom. Crying over the bed and the memories it held.

After that it had proved impossible to even think about sleeping in the bed. So hence why Kate was now sitting in her armchair in the living room, her stomach churning at the thought of endless night time hours alone.

She got up and walked into the kitchen. Poured herself another glass of water. Took it through to the living room and put it on the table. Sat down. Got up again. Her muscles felt knotted. Tense. She walked in and out of the rooms downstairs, putting all the lights on.

Light streamed into every corner of the cottage's ground floor. Kate felt a little more settled now that the darkness had been chased away. However, she knew it still waited outside. To seep in when she wasn't looking. To creep in through untended cracks. Through the smallest crevice. And then it would overwhelm her again. It would sit on her chest and taunt her. With its blind power. Its sightless malevolence.

Despite herself her memory returned to when she stayed with her grandmother in the country during the summer holidays. She'd never known night could be as dark as it was there. There were no pinpricks of light anywhere. And she hated it.

Her grandmother had been intolerant of any sign of weakness and Kate's fright just seemed to annoy her. Kate soon learned that if she continued to "make a fuss" then she'd be punished. And her grandmother believed strongly in corporal punishment. So then there were two things to be frightened of for Kate as a child: the unremitting darkness and her grandmother's unrelenting anger.

Her mind turned to that first night. That first night with Caroline when she'd woken in a familiar cold sweat. But this time with Caroline's arms around her. Caroline's arms holding her, keeping her safe, calming her.

_"Kate. Kate. Shhhh. I'm here, darling. You're safe." She kissed her temple. "It's ok, Kate. I'm here. It's ok."_

_She came to. Back to reality. Wrestled out of the arms of Morpheus. Into the arms of Caroline Elliot. She looked up into blue, startled eyes. Panting. Sweating. "I'm sorry." _

_"There's no need." Another kiss to her forehead. "Are you ok?"_

_"Yes." A small voice._

_Blue eyes piercing the darkness like halogen. But softly. Giving her shadows. Somewhere to hide. "Do you want to tell me about it?"_

_Feeling exposed. "I'm not a child, Caroline." Sharper than she'd intended._

_"I didn't mean to imply you were." Hurt evident in her tone. "I just want to help, Kate."_

_"Sorry." Chastened. Felt small._

_"Kate." Caroline's hand gently holding Kate's chin. Turning her to face her. "Tell me about it."_

_Kate took a shuddering breath. "It's...silly really."_

_"It's not silly. You were scared." Factual. That was Caroline. Scientific. Factual. Kate felt grounded. She could feel the cotton sheets against her skin. And Caroline's arm around her back. Her hand now stroking her softly. Reassuringly._

_"I get...nightmares sometimes." Kate rolled her eyes at herself. _

_Caroline stayed calm. No sarcasm. "Why?" Gentle enquiry._

_Another deep breath. Not looking into Caroline's face, despite it being dark and not being able to see her expression properly anyway. "I think it comes from...when I used to stay with my...grandmother...as a child."_

_"Ok." Non-judgmental. Fingers now stroking her ribs._

_Kate leaned into Caroline and touched her lips to hers. A whisper of benediction. A seal of trust. Then a quiet voice, slightly shaky. "My grandmother was...a rather strict woman. She thought children should...know their place." The last few words clearly a quote. Another breath. "My parents weren't like that. I was...very loved." Caroline's arms tightened around her. "I never liked the dark...but I had a nightlight and if I still got scared then my parents would let me sleep in with them."_

_"That's nice." Caroline smiled gently. "I bet you were a very cute little girl."_

_Kate returned Caroline's smile as if it'd been transferred to her by osmosis and she had no choice. "Yep. I was overwhelmingly cute", she said cockily. Hooking into the distraction._

_The two women looked at each other intensely. And then it was Kate who initiated the kiss. Kate who deepened it. Kate who painted herself on top of Caroline. Kate who gasped breathily, "God Caroline, I need you." Kate who took Caroline's hand and placed it in between her legs as she straddled her hips._

She shook her head, wanting to dislodge the memories, then she picked out a CD and turned on her stereo. She curled up on the sofa, wrapping herself in a throw and let the music wash over her. The sadness of the strings added an extra dimension to the atmosphere in the room. It swirled through the strands of light, bathing the room with a musical enchantment; one that Kate felt might protect her from the darkness at the window.

* * *

><p>6:30pm, the next day. A polite knock at the door. Kate was surprised to see Jools standing there. "Jools! Hi. I hadn't expected to see you again...so soon."<p>

Jools smiled. "Well, aren't you the lucky one." She proffered a bag, "I've brought dinner."

Kate stood to one side, letting her in. "Why have you brought dinner?"

"Because I'm guessing that you won't bother for yourself." She looked pointedly at Kate, who tried to return an innocent, 'I have no idea what you're talking about' look. She walked through to the kitchen. "It's just quiche and salad. And don't worry, I didn't make it. It's M&S' finest." She set about unpacking her purchases and finding plates and cutlery.

Kate tried a token protest. "Jools, I appreciate the gesture but there's really no need."

Jools didn't stop what she was doing but she raised her eyes at Kate, "Uh huh. I remember how you were when you and Kim broke up."

"That was a _lifetime_ ago."

"Yes it was. And your break-up with Caroline was just a couple of days ago. So probably still pretty bloody raw. Now, do you have any dressing for this salad?"

"In the fridge." Kate knew when she was beaten. She picked up the cutlery and turned and laid the table for them. Behind her back, Jools smiled softly.

As the two women sat opposite each other at the table, Kate tried her best to act normal. "So how's the world of Learning and Development?"

"Bloody marvellous. I had some new starter to the organisation today ask me what the point of it was, and, do you know what, I couldn't think of an answer!"

Kate smiled at her friend's self deprecating tone. She knew that she cared a lot about her job and she put a lot into it. She searched her mind for some other safe topic but couldn't think of one. _That's lack of sleep for you!_

Jools used the gap to lever her own line of questioning in. "Have you seen Caroline?"

"No. Our paths haven't crossed." Short and sweet.

"Will you have to...meet with her...on a professional level at any point?"

"Not really. Most of my liaison is confined to my department head."

"And...personally?" Kate looked at her, playing dumb. Jools wasn't fooled. "Will you talk to her at some point...about your relationship?"

"There's nothing to say, Jools."

"She might want to talk to you."

"I doubt it. She's...very much her own woman. And our...relationship was very much a non-starter. And Caroline won't want to delve into anything...emotional anyway." Kate's tone was bitter. She found that the baby leaf salad in her mouth didn't want to be swallowed. She wondered if the salad dressing was out of date. Picked it up to inspect the use by date. It wasn't.

Jools continued to look at her steadily.

"From what you said before, it didn't sound like your relationship had been a non-starter." Kate didn't respond. "Apart from anything else, you were clearly shagging like bunnies...so it sounds like your physical relationship had definitely started."

Kate picked up her glass of water and took a large mouthful. Swallowed. The lump in her throat was still there but the water managed to trickle downwards. She tried to speak...to say something that would divert Jools. Something that would mean she wouldn't have to think about those words again. Those words she was so ashamed of using. _"I don't think anything ever really started, did it? A couple of embarrassed fumbles."_

"Kate? Are you ok?" Jools looked at her concernedly from across the table. Kate nodded dumbly at her but she could feel tears starting to run down her cheeks. Jools leant across and tenderly wiped her tears with a napkin. "What did I say?"

Kate shook her head. "No...it wasn't you. I...oh Jools, I said something _horrible_ to her!"

"I'm sure it wasn't as horrible as you think Kate." Said kindly. Gently,

"It was, Jools! I was...really nasty."

"That doesn't sound like you at all." Jools looked concerned. "What did you say?"

Kate wiped at her tears with her fingers. Seemingly impatient with their indulgence. She took a shuddery breath, half sob half inhalation. "I...told her our relationship had never really started and it'd just been a couple...of embarrassed fumbles." She looked at Jools in horror.

Jools' expression didn't waver. Still open. Still sympathetic. "You don't believe that though, do you?"

"No, of course I don't!"

Jools paused before asking, "It's not like you to say something...hurtful, Kate. Why do you think you did it?" A question of a friend, softly asked.

Kate had bowed her head in shame but now she raised it quietly to look at Jools. Still shamefaced. "Oh Jools. I was so angry. I wanted...to hurt her."

"What was it that made you so angry?"

Kate delicately brushed a tear away that had come to rest on her eyelashes. She swallowed. "Well the fact that she wouldn't acknowledge me as her girlfriend didn't help. But actually what really made me angry was the constant lack of communication. That she'd never tell me the bloody truth...about anything! Least of all her feelings."

"In what sense?"

Kate took a deep breath. "In every sense really." She acknowledged Jools' unenlightened expression with a shrug and a whisper of a smile. "For instance, we had dinner with Greg that evening at the hotel. You know how Greg can be...", Jools smiled and nodded, "...well he was on good form...catching me up with the gossip about everyone from Uni...and he did exclude Caroline - not intentionally - but you know what he's like in full flow. Well, when he went to the loo, Caroline told me she was going to bed. At that point I wasn't exactly communicative myself...", she rolled her eyes heavenwards, "...but Caroline stopped and looked at me. It was clear that she wanted to say something. And I was willing her to. Willing her to finally say something emotionally honest. To finally tell me what she wanted...what she felt..." Kate's eyes showed the pain she clearly felt, even now remembering. "...but she didn't. She just looked at me for a moment and then left."

"I don't suppose it was an ideal circumstance right then for her to spill her guts, Kate."

Kate sighed. "No, maybe not but that was just...illustrative of how she was. She...shut me out, Jools. All the time."

"Explain how."

"Ok. The next morning, when I came down to breakfast...before I said the...horrible things I said...well, she...first she sat there and told me that Greg was the wrong person to get me pregnant..", she looked astonished at Jools, "...then, when I told her that she was wrong, she launched into telling me that _she'd_ decided...that buying her ex-husband out of their house - this is the house _I_ was supposed to be buying into - wasn't now going to happen! I mean, if she still wanted to be with me...and be a parent...you'd think she would discuss small stuff like where the hell we where going to live, rather than just bloody _tell_ me, wouldn't you?!"

Jools was quiet for a moment as she absorbed what Kate had just told her. Then she said softly, "And it was after that, you...said what you said?" Kate nodded sadly. Jools leaned across the table and took her hand before asking quietly, "So, why did you choose to tell her that your physical relationship had been a...non-starter, when you were angry about her inability to communicate her feelings honestly?"

Kate swallowed and poked her salad with her fork for a moment. She looked up at Jools. "Because I'm...useless?"

Jools smiled wryly. "You're not useless, Kate. Apart from at avoiding answering my question."

"Point taken." A small, slightly nervous smile. A breath. "I think I said what I said because I knew I could hurt her that way. It was deliberate, Jools. I was cruel."

A pointed silence. Green eyes looking into brown. Finally a gentle question. "So was that the only way you felt you could hurt her, because that's the only way you could reach her?"

Kate took a sharp intake of breath and looked directly into Jools' eyes. Brown to green. There was a pause before she said quietly, "You're wasted in L&D, y'know."

Jools squeezed Kate's hand gently before releasing it. "Yep. I'm a woman of many talents." She winked, "Now if I could just get Sharleen Spiteri to believe that, I'd be very happy."

Kate smiled at her friend. "I think you might also need to persuade her of the advantages of lesbianism as opposed to that pesky heterosexuality she seems to be into."

Jools returned Kate's smile, waving her hand dismissively, "Details, McKenzie, mere details." She pointed at Kate's dinner, "Right, eat."

Kate picked up her knife and fork again and diligently ate a mouthful of quiche and salad. After she'd swallowed she said, "I'm not proud of what I said, Jools. I should've pushed her into talking about what was important emotionally...because what I did say was not only a low blow...it was also a lie. I should've called her on her feelings...but I shouldn't have told her our physical relationship was nothing. That wasn't true. And she knew that...but I hurt her when I said it. I could tell I had." She swallowed the lump in her throat as she remembered Caroline's face after she'd said it. "But I was so angry that she could be so...dismissive of our relationship, so I just threw it back at her, I suppose."

Jools looked thoughtful. She ate the last piece of quiche on her plate and leaned back in her chair. "It seems like your relationship had developed in some areas then, and not in others. That's not like you either, Kate. You're normally such...", she tailed off, searching for the right phrase.

"I'm normally such what?" Kate was curious.

"Such a grown-up, I suppose. It's not like you to allow the person you're with to pick and choose which parts of the relationship they commit to...and what they share."

"It wasn't exactly like that, Jools."

"No?" Gentle. Not intended to be challenging or intrusive.

"No." Definite. A pause then as she considered. "But I suppose I did allow her space to get used to our relationship...because I knew it was all new to her."

"And what was in it for you?"

Kate was quiet for a while but she maintained eye contact. Finally she said softly. "Light. She filled me with light."


	3. Chapter 3

_"...but you weren't here..."_

Kate sat at her piano stiffly. Keys still covered. Arms by her side, back straight. Touching no part of the piano at all. Shallow breaths then as she prepared herself. Heel raised, toes on the floor, right leg shaking. Left hand trembling, fingers pointing downwards. She looked up. Away from the piano, to the wall. There was the certificate that proved she could do it:

_The Associated Board of the Royal Schools of Music...Kathrine McKenzie...Grade 8 Piano...passed with distinction..._

Kate felt a fraud. Like the certificate was a forgery. Or stolen. She wondered who the hell the Kathrine McKenzie detailed on that piece of paper was.

She took a deep breath. Lifted the piano lid. Placed shaky fingers lightly on the keys. Swallowed. Another breath. She looked at her hands. Felt disembodied. Disconnected. Knew that physically she could play. But felt that the music that normally flowed through her veins to allow her to play had dried up. She felt panicky. She'd never not been able to play before. Music had always been her salvation. Her place of solitude. Of comfort. Somewhere to retreat when the world was closing in. A place of light. Of hope.

She willed her fingers to depress the keys. Concentrating on them. As if she could force them by the sheer power of her mind.

As she looked at them, her fingers trembled against the keys. Defying her. Kate started to cry. She felt betrayed. And powerless.

* * *

><p>"Kate, hi. I need a favour."<p>

"Hi Jools, what's up?" Kate tried to sound upbeat.

"My washing machine has just spewed its guts up all over my kitchen floor. Now don't panic, I don't want you to come around and help clean - I've done that - but, I've got all this stuff now that's wet but not washed, so can I come around and use your machine please?"

Kate could tell from her voice that Jools was a little fraught. "Of course you can. Of course." She tried to reassure her friend. To her, her voice sounded false though. Transparent. No substance. A flat note.

"McKenzie, you are a life saver. Thank you. I'll be there in...about twenty minutes."

* * *

><p>Forty five minutes later, the two women were sitting on Kate's sofa, drinking tea. In the background could be heard the gentle hum of the washing machine.<p>

"Thanks for this Kate. I really appreciate it."

"Jools, you've already thanked me about a hundred times. It's fine."

"Well, let this be a hundred and one then." Jools smiled at Kate, sipped her tea and then let her gaze wander a little around the cottage, feeling reassured by the calm environment. Through the door, the other side of the hallway, Jools saw the piano; its lid still open. "You been tinkling the ivories?", she asked conversationally. "I miss hearing you play, y'know."

Kate's eyes were also drawn to the piano. She remembered when she'd played for Caroline. When she'd played for herself. Because she was settled. Because she was safe. Because she wanted to. Because she could.

* * *

><p><em>It was the weekend. Caroline was spending the evening at Kate's. The whole night in fact. They'd eaten, shared a couple of glasses of wine and were sitting together on the sofa. Caroline took Kate's hand. Caressed it. "You have such beautiful hands."<em>

_"Do I?" A proper question. Not coy._

_"Yes." Kate's hand now in between her own. Caroline stroked it, examining it as she did so. "Beautiful. Delicate, strong, elegant." She looked up, meeting Kate's eyes. "Very...feminine." The two women looked at each other intensely, then just as Kate was about to say something, Caroline said quietly, "Will you...play for me?"_

_Kate swallowed. The intensity of Caroline's gaze making her feel a little off kilter. "Really? What do you want me to play?"_

_"Anything." Husky. "I like to see you play. Hear you play." She looked down again to Kate's hand still in her own. "Those beautiful hands." It seemed almost as if she was talking to herself. Her tone was wistful. Distracted._

_Kate smiled. Leaned in and kissed Caroline's cheek before getting up and walking to the piano. She sat down, lifted the lid and almost immediately started to play. Glancing over at Caroline, she smiled at the sight of her. She'd lifted her legs onto the sofa and curled them to one side as she snuggled comfortably into the sofa, watching Kate intently. Kate's attention was brought back to the piano. To her music._

_As she played she felt herself pulled further and further in. The music was a part of her. It flowed from her freely and then returned. A cycle of melody and mood. It was at once from her, of her and for her. She allowed herself to be swept along on the tide. A current of emotion, harmony and mood pushed her through its eddies. Its whirlpools. The music had its own energy, its own life but she felt safe. Caressed. Nurtured. Held buoyant._

_Kate had no idea how long she'd been playing for but the next thing she registered was Caroline kissing her neck very gently and whispering, "Time for bed, Kate."_

_She stopped playing. Turned to look up at Caroline in surprise. "Oh. Ok. Let me just clean up the kitchen...and I'll be with you."_

_Caroline smiled gently. Indulgently. "No need. I've done it."_

"_Have you?" Kate looked astounded. "How long have I been playing?"_

_Caroline stroked her face. "A couple of hours." She saw Kate's face drop and continued, "But it was wonderful, Kate. You were wonderful." She took Kate's hands and drew her to her feet. _

_Kate put her hands on Caroline's hips and pulled her close. "Sorry Caroline, I just get..."_

_Caroline put two fingers gently over Kate's lips, "I know. It's fine. It's one of the things I love...about you." She stopped speaking. _

_Kate remembered the look on her face. Like she wanted to run away._

_Kate smiled a little falsely. Took her hand. "Let's go to bed."_

* * *

><p>Kate looked at the piano almost accusingly. As if it had revealed her weakness to Jools. Without looking at Jools she said quickly, "Not really. I can't...", she made eye contact as she realised what she was about to admit, "...really spare the time at the moment."<p>

"Really? You said, it's what used to keep you sane, didn't you? You used to play to relax."

Kate shrugged nonchalantly. "It's just...not in me at the moment." Wanted Jools to leave it there.

Jools narrowed her eyes. Kate was reminded of a cat she'd had as a child. Mo, he'd been called. Short for Mozart. He was a beautiful black cat with just one white paw (front left) and he had stunning green eyes. She would stroke him and he'd narrow his eyes in pleasure. A little like Jools now. Although she suspected Jools' reaction was more to do with suspicion than pleasure.

"So does that mean you're not _able_ to play at the moment?" Jools' question was quiet but insightful. Her eyes seemed to bore into Kate like a laser. A green laser, pointing to the inadequacies of her character.

She swallowed. Pinned by Jools' green eyed gaze. Nodded. Despite herself.

"Oh Kate." Jools took her hand. Squeezed it gently. Then, softly, "Have you seen her? Caroline."

Kate swallowed again. "Briefly yes, today."

"What happened?"

Kate took a deep breath. "I was...collecting up test papers after a lesson...and all of a sudden she was there, hanging around the doorway. She...asked me, now that it'd been a week...whether we'd...Greg and I that is...had..", she stumbled, cleared her throat and then continued, "Well, the upshot is she was asking if we'd slept together, so I said we had." She tilted her chin upwards as she looked at Jools,

"Just like that?"

"A straight answer to a straight question." Matter of fact. Slightly brusque. Jools looked at her, eyebrows raised. Kate looked a bit sheepish. "Oh well...you know what I mean. I was being...honest, Jools. Which is more than she ever was with me."

"What did she say?"

"She expressed surprise. Something like 'wow', I think...then she tried to continue the conversation but I...cut her off...told her I'd done what I was there to do, so I was leaving."

"Right. That was...short and sweet then."

Kate looked into Jools' eyes. "You think I'm cruel."

"Of course I don't, Kate. I know you better than that.". She paused, took a sip of tea. "I'm just...wondering why...you didn't want to...engage."

"I just...couldn't, Jools." Kate looked at her sadly.

There was a long pause but Jools continued to look at her. Finally she said, "In the same way as you're not able to play the piano at the moment?"

Kate looked at her astonished and blurted out, "I don't think..." She tailed off, not able to finish the sentence, to say that the two things were entirely separate. She looked away. Across the hallway, to the piano, mocking her. She looked back at Jools. Tearful brown eyes searching serious green. Then, eventually, "Do you think they're linked?"

Jools put her arm around Kate's shoulders. "I think it's possible they might be."

There was a silence. Jools didn't fill it with platitudes. She just waited. Kate settled in against her friend's shoulder, for now happy to just accept the physical comfort. Her mind however, ran amok, thinking of the connection Jools had made. Thinking of her emotions, her music and her failed relationship with Caroline.

She thought about the times when their communication had been good. _God, I was right...it was always in bed._ _The only time Caroline was able to be emotionally hones_t. She scoffed inwardly. _Who am I kidding, it was the only time I felt I could too. The only time my emotions didn't make me feel so exposed...next to Caroline._

* * *

><p><em>"Kate...please." A gasp. "Please!" <em>

_Drowning in sensation. Needing to be rescued. Towed to shore._

_"What, Caroline? What do you want?" _

_Floating alongside. Lazily kicking._

_"Kate!"_

_"Not good enough, Caroline." Kate knelt between Caroline's legs. Caroline lay on her back in front of her. Caroline moved a little restlessly and then she lifted her hands from where they were placed primly on the sheet to clasp Kate's wrists lightly. _

_Tired of swimming against the current. _

_Kate moved back slightly, resting on her heels so Caroline lost her grasp. "Nope. Not happening." _

_Not a lifeguard. Not playing one._

_Caroline growled gently. Kate smiled. Caroline deliberately lowered her voice. Almost purring. "Kate."_

_Kate, seemingly unmoved, "Yes, Caroline?" Professional tone. Totally belying the act being played out._

_"Your hands, Kate. I want...you...to touch me." _

_Take me into the shallows where I feel safe._

_"Ok. But you don't get to touch me." She saw Caroline's face fall. "That's the deal." _

_I will swim with you. In my waters._

_Caroline took a deep breath. Then, meekly, "Ok." She placed them palms down on the sheet again. _

_I trust you._

_"Good." Kate leant forward again. Placed her hands on Caroline's stomach lightly. Took pleasure in feeling the muscles flutter slightly under her fingertips. Like the tremor of sound waves. The ripple of music. Calling to her. Play me._

_She moved her fingertips gently. Ran them across Caroline's skin. Feeling the texture change from silky soft to slightly goosebumpy. She smoothed her hands over Caroline's ribs, then upwards slowly to her breasts. _

_Swam out strongly, where the waters were cool and deep._

_Caroline closed her eyes. Bit her bottom lip. As Kate covered her breasts she took a sharp breath, opened her eyes and, looking at Kate's hands, shivered slightly. "God Kate, I love your hands." _

_Finding herself out of her depth in green waters...but wanting to be there. Wanting to swim freely._

_"Do you love them on you...or just love them per se?" Kate's tone was controlled. Her question almost scientific. Her accompanying caress however, was aesthetic and sensual. _

_Swimming around Caroline. Enticing her deeper._

_Caroline's eyes were heavy lidded. But the blue of her eyes was startling in its intensity. Her voice, when it came was husky. "I love them. Playing the piano. When you're explaining something and you use them to intensify your point. I love them...on me..." Kate rewarded her honesty. Her fingertips teasing. Caroline's breath hissed its approval before she continued, "...in me. And everything in between." _

_Following now. Swimming more confidently. Arms strong, sure._

_"Good to know." Kate's voice was husky. Betraying the lack of emotion in her words. She bent over. Moved her hands to brace herself either side of Caroline's body. Let her lips travel where her hands had just been. _

_Feeling feathery strands of weed caress her legs as she swam through it._

_Caroline gasped. "This is hard Kate. I need...to touch you." _

_Felt like she'd swum out too far. The green of the weed enticed and yet reviled._

_Kate raised her head an inch. "No." _

_Enjoying the freedom. The depth._

_Her breath whispering over sensitised flesh was as exquisite as the emotion evoked the first time Kate had introduced Caroline to Kiri Te Kanawa singing Vissi D'Arte. Caroline hadn't understood why she'd felt she'd needed to close her eyes then. She just knew she had. "Please." Caroline clutched at the sheet frustratedly. _

_Needed to place her feet down. Needed stability. Known territory._

_Kate raised her head to look into Caroline's eyes. "No." She paused, looking intensely at her. Bent to kiss her lips softly, almost reverently. Then, "I need you to talk to me. I want you to tell me...exactly what you need. Ok?" _

_Made eye contact, took a breath and dived. Knew that she'd follow her._

_Caroline swallowed. Nodded. _

_Duck-dived. Followed._

"_Good." Kate sat back on her heels again. Looked at her predatorily; her eyes roaming shamelessly over her body. Ran her fingers lightly up Caroline's inner thighs. _

_Downwards still. No noise. Little light. Sensation, everything._

_Caroline shivered. Trembled a little. Closed her eyes as if Kate's gaze was burning her. _

_Followed blindly. Water swirling around her head. Wondering why she agreed to swim with a mermaid. Feeling clumsy._

"_Open your eyes, Caroline. Talk to me. Tell me what you want." _

_This is your environment too. Look._

_Caroline's eyes opened involuntarily at Kate's words. "I want...I want your hands...your fingers..." _

_I want to dance with you underwater. Lead me. Show me._

_Kate said nothing. Did nothing. Waiting for Caroline. _

_Treading water. Beckoning._

_Caroline bit her lower lip. Took a deep breath. "...inside me. I want you inside me, Kate. Please." _

_Followed deeper. In amongst the swaying fronds. _

_Kate nudged Caroline's legs further apart with her knees. Reached forward. Stroked leisurely with her fingertips. "God Caroline...you're beautiful. So sexy." _

_Took her hand. Pulled her downwards. Trust me._

"_Please Kate...now. I want you. I need you...your fingers...inside me." Caroline's voice was strained. _

_Offered her other hand. I trust you._

_Maintaining eye contact, Kate complied with Caroline's breathy request. _

_Took her hand. Started to dance. _

_Caroline emitted a long, low moan, followed by a, "Yes", breathed out slowly as Kate started to move her hand unhurriedly, rhythmically. Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata' expertly played._

_Caroline being led. Feeling Kate's pull. Her power._

_Caroline reached to Kate's hand with her own. Not stopping her. Not guiding. Just wanting to feel its movement. Its strength. Its lithe energy. She placed her own hand over Kate's. Feeling its musicality. Its power._

_Two water nymphs merging with the current. Swaying with the rhythm of the tide. Undulating._

"_Tell me how that feels, Caroline." Soft but in control._

_Leading...gently. But allowing the rhythm of the water to dictate._

_A laboured breath. A gasp. A moan. "Kate..."_

_Caroline losing herself to the pull of the water. High above, a chorus of nymphs is serenading them._

"_Tell me." Quietly insistent._

_Look at me. Look at us. What do you see?_

"_So...good." An exhalation. "God...Kate...I love...the way you...oh...the feel of you...inside me...like...music...building...", she tailed off, unable to continue to be coherent. Overwhelmed by the growing sensations._

_Whirling now in the eddies and currents. Whirling now in Kate's arms. Water swooshing around her ears. Her eyes. Tiny air bubbles streaming out from their dancing bodies. Accompanying their joyous movement._

_"Come for me, Caroline."_

_And then there was a sudden rising. Faster and faster they sped upwards towards the surface. Caroline clung to Kate in desperation. Knew she'd be safe with Kate. Passing feathery fronds, strands of green, stars and light. Lungs bursting now. Holding on because she knew no other way. And finally...surfacing, cresting, gasping into the air above._

_And there was Kate. Holding her. Keeping her afloat. Keeping her safe._

* * *

><p><em>Afterwards, Caroline lying cocooned in Kate's arms. Perfect, sated peace.<em>

_Kate leaned down and kissed Caroline's forehead. "You ok?"_

_Caroline smiled contentedly. "I'm very ok." She pulled away a little. Raised herself on one elbow. Kissed the corner of Kate's mouth. "You were...wonderful."_

_"You were pretty damn good yourself." Another kiss. A comfortable silence then, "Caroline..."_

_"Mmmmm."_

_"Earlier...when we were...making love...you said that the feel of me inside you was like music building. What did you mean?"_

_Caroline moved a bit in the bed. Pulled the sheet up around her a little more tightly. Tucked it in around her breasts. "Oh, I don't know, Kate. I wasn't exactly coherent...was I?"_

_Kate stiffened. "Weren't you?"_

_"Well...I was slightly distracted, darling." A smile. Trying to engage. Backtracking. Damage limitation._

_"I realise that, Caroline. But I asked you how it felt and that's what you said."_

_"Then I expect I meant that the...pleasure was building."_

_"Why did you say 'music' though?"_

_Caroline stifled a sigh. "Probably because I associate you with music."_

_"Do you? Why?" Intrigued._

_"Because you're a musician." Factual._

_"When we're making love? I'm a musician then?"_

_Caroline looked at her quizzically. "Why would you stop being a musician then?"_

_Patient. Always patient. "I don't think of you as a headmistress when we're making love."_

_Caroline paused. Looking at Kate intently. Clearly thinking about what she'd said. Analysing it. Finally she said, "Well...being a musician is more fundamental than a career choice, isn't it?"_

_Kate smiled softly and stroked Caroline's face. "I suppose it is a bit more than something you just...do, yes. It's a part of me. Like my sexuality." She paused, continuing to look at Caroline; her gaze roaming over her countenance. A lioness surveying the plane. "Do you ever...think about your sexuality?"_

_"In what sense?" Immediate reaction is to avoid this._

_"In the sense of who you are...as a sexual being."_

_"Not beyond the fact I'm with you...no."_

_"So I'm just the person you happen to be sleeping with right now?" Quiet but with a slight edge._

_Caroline, surprised, turned to look at her more fully. In so doing, moved back just an inch. "Kate...that is not what I said!"_

_"Maybe not...but you did say that your sexuality was only defined by the fact you're with me."_

_Caroline looked confused. "Well, it is, isn't it?" Kate sighed. Caroline continued, trying to regain ground, "I mean, the important thing here, is that we're together...that we're happy together...isn't it? She reached out and touched Kate's arm. Intending to reassure. _

_Kate didn't react; she just looked at Caroline blankly._

_Eventually Caroline, wanting to fill the silence more than anything, said, "Kate, you know I...I think an awful lot of you, don't you? And that being with you...makes me happy." She saw Kate's expression. "Really happy." A pause. "Kate, having you in my life...being in a relationship with you is...", she searched for the right word, "...fantastic. And I think we're good together. Really good. And I want that to continue...if you do." A pause. Tentative, "Do you?"_

_Kate smiled gently at her. "Of course I do, Caroline." Willing to put this conversation off until another day. "Of course."_

* * *

><p>"Do you want another cuppa?" Kate looked at Jools enquiringly.<p>

"No thanks." Jools smiled. "At my age, I'll be in the loo all night if I drink any more."

"Ha! _We_...are 42, Jools. Not 82."

Jools poked her tongue out playfully. "Not all of us are wearing as well as you, McKenzie."

"Oh you're wearing pretty well, Hamilton. And talking of which...what happened with that woman at work...the one who asked you out for a drink?"

Jools blanched a little. "Oh yes, Lisa. Well...she's nice enough...but not really my type."

"Why not?

"Oh I don't know. I think...well, I think we haven't got much in common."

"How do you know? Have you spent much time with her?"

"A bit. We went for a drink." She rubbed the back of her neck. "She's...nice enough...but I'm not sure there's a spark."

Kate nodded. Choosing to leave it there. For now.

Jools took advantage of the opportunity to turn the focus back around to Kate. "So...do you think that you talking to Caroline might...help ultimately?"

"I'm still too angry, Jools. I have to...move on. Just forget her."

"What is it that's making you angry?"

"I think...I'm angry with myself mostly. For not pushing her. For allowing her to...dictate the terms of our relationship."

"Right. What else?"

"I'm...oh Jools, I'm angry that I changed how I'd normally _be_!"

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't...tell Caroline I loved her...because I got scared by her inability to communicate. That probably led to her not being able to tell me how scared she was of coming out...and then of course not being able to come out...despite sensing I wasn't happy with that. God Jools, I created my own fate!"

"Kate, sweetie...you can't put it all on yourself." Jools peered at Kate worriedly. "You were in a relationship. It takes two people to make that work."

"Yes, but I didn't help, Jools. I let it turn into what it was! If I'd told her...if I'd told Caroline I...love her...then maybe she'd've felt more able to be open about our relationship." She looked at Jools, her expression stricken.

Jools patted Kate's knee comfortingly. "Maybe, Kate. But maybe not. Maybe Caroline would never have got to that...acceptance of herself...regardless of anything you'd done or said. After all, it's something she'll have to come to in her own time...for herself."

"Or not", Kate said dolefully. She looked at Jools' hand still resting lightly on her knee. Put her own hand over it and patted it. "You're a good friend, Jools."

Jools smiled. "You're not so bad yourself. You rescued me in my hour of dire washing machine need...and then threw in the use of your tumbler dryer too. _And_ made me tea."

Kate smiled. "Talking of which...", she picked Jools' hand off her leg and kissed it lightly before standing up, "...I'm having another one. Are you going to risk night time incontinence and join me?"

Jools grinned, "Oh go on then. But you're sharing the Tena Lady bill."

Smiling, Kate walked into the kitchen. A few minutes passed as she waited for the kettle to boil and then, as she started to make the tea, the tumble dryer came to the end of its cycle, announcing it with a loud beep. Kate called through to Jools. "Jools, your washing is dry. If you get it out now, you can probably get away without having to iron it." She glanced out of the window. Could see that dusk was starting to gather. Shivered.

Jools came in and started to get her clothes out of the dryer. She held up a black t-shirt, shaking it before starting to fold. Kate noticed her hands; pale against the dark material. And the beyond that, the gathering gloom through the window.

She was reminded of Caroline's hands. The same pale skin. And she suddenly realised she could see them everywhere in her cottage. Resting lightly on the arm of the sofa while they watched TV. Her fingers flicking lightly through her CDs. Confidently chopping vegetables next to her in the kitchen. And then against her skin. Hand in hand. Connecting.

Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes. Kate placed her hands flat on the cream, marble countertop. Feeling disconnected, she noticed them trembling. She turned away so that Jools wouldn't see her but a ragged breath followed by a heaving sob betrayed her.

Jools dropped the t-shirt, took Kate gently by the shoulders and turned her around, pulling her into her arms. Kate sobbed into Jools' shoulder as she held her.

Eventually, Kate pulled back slightly, looking at Jools' concerned face, helplessly. "Oh Jools, what am I going to do? Despite the fact that we didn't...talk enough...she just...reached me, y'know? She..._knew_ me. She...held my hand and..._touched_ me."


	4. Chapter 4

_"...I'm not sure I could go through with it..."_

10:52pm and Kate was asleep. She lay on her bed covered with just a throw. Lying on her side, knees raised in the foetal position, her hands were holding each other over her stomach. Fingers not laced but hands clasped as if they belonged to two different people. As she slept the thumb of one hand stroked the back of the other involuntarily. A smile flickered across her face. The sun over the hill. A memory. The muscles of her closed eyes fluttered rapidly and the relaxed smile disappeared to be replaced with the cloud of a frown. Any sun now obliterated by the appearance of the dark cloud.

She awoke with a start. Kate opened her eyes and her breath caught in her throat as she realised it had become dark while she slept. She rolled over quickly, reached out and snapped on the bedside light. Blinking, as the fluorescence assaulted her eyes, she acknowledged the pounding of her heart in time with her rapid breaths as she tried to calm herself. Her eyes were drawn to her right hand still resting on her stomach and as she looked at it she raised her hand very slightly so it hovered a centimetre or so above her midriff. Despite trying to regulate her breathing, her hand shook perceptibly.

Kate sat up suddenly and swung her legs around and over the side of the bed. She stood, almost in a continuation of the initial movement and walked to the window. She saw the darkness outside, shivered and drew the curtains rapidly. Turning on her heel she walked out of the bedroom, throwing the switch on the landing light and went into the bathroom where she added to the artificial light now flooding the upstairs of the cottage. Opening the bathroom cabinet she took one of a pile of small boxes and extracted its contents before pushing the bathroom door closed with her foot.

Five minutes later Kate was washing her hands. The water, the lather and the soothing repetitive action combined to ensure that her heart rate was now almost normal.

11:43pm and Kate was having something to eat in front of the television. The cottage was now lit up both upstairs and down; each room a shining beacon. A lighthouse to subdue her fear of the rocks.

* * *

><p>10:06am the next day. Kate answered the door to Jools' light knock. "Morning Jools."<p>

"Morning." A pause then, "You ok, you look a little..." She hadn't finished her sentence before Kate turned and bolted upstairs. Jools hovered nervously at the bottom of the stairs and then, when Kate finally reappeared several long minutes later, "You ok sweetie?"

Kate smiled wanly. "Not bad."

Jools studied her closely and then as realisation dawned, "Wait, is this...are you...was that...morning sickness?"

"A long way to arrive at a question, Julia." She raised her eyebrows smilingly.

"Cheeky moo, Kathrine. So, are you?"

"Am I what?" Still smiling, despite continuing to feel queasy.

"Pregnant, McKenzie! Are you bloody pregnant?"

Kate nodded. "It would seem so, yes."

"Wow! Kate, that's...fabulous!" She threw her arms around her friend delightedly.

Kate returned her hug, mumbling, "Thanks" into her shoulder.

Jools hugged her fiercely for a while before releasing her with an apologetic, "Oh sorry, are you still feeling sick?"

Kate shrugged, "A bit."

"So, how long have you known?"

"A week or so...but the sickness only started yesterday."

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"Oh, you know Jools. Nothing's certain yet." Kate tried to sound nonchalant but it didn't quite work.

Jools swallowed, moved by Kate's stoicism. "How many...weeks are you?"

"Seven. So there's...a way to go yet."

Jools nodded, not having the words to know how to respond. She wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulders and kissed her temple lightly. "You still up for going out today?"

"Absolutely." A smile. "Let's not waste this lovely weather."

"It is warm out. I think you're gonna like it...while I skulk in the shade with all the other pale skinned redheads."

"Well I should probably sit with you today. There's some research to say that direct sunlight might be responsible for breaking down folic acid in the body...so I'll join you and the other redheads I think."

Jools looked concerned. "Are you sure it's ok for you to go?"

"Of course it is Jools." She smiled reassuringly. "Anyway, you've brought a picnic, haven't you?"

"Yep. And don't worry, I've bought it all. Not a home cooked item in sight."

"Well that's the most dangerous thing avoided then." Kate grinned.

Jools growled unconvincingly. "Oh you're lucky you're pregnant."

"Yeah, yeah...whatever. Right, what do I need to bring?"

* * *

><p>Later that day Kate and Jools sat under a tree in a local park, pleasantly replete after their picnic. Kate looked at the sunlight dappling through the wide boughs in full leaf.<p>

"I love the summer", she said quietly, almost to herself.

"Mmmmm...well that's cos you're not a redhead", Jools spoke drowsily as she sat with her back against the tree trunk next to Kate.

"Well, there is that. But also...because of the light. The sun." She looked at the leopard spotted pattern of light and shade on the grass and over her dress. "There always seems so much...hope at this time of year. So many possibilities."

Jools picked a daisy and inspected its perfection closely. She somehow felt she couldn't look at Kate while she asked the next question. A pause then as she formulated her words. "So, conversely...do you dislike the winter because of the lack of light?"

"Yes." An absolute. The tree at her back grounding her. Its roots curling comfortably into the earth beneath her.

Still looking at the daisy. Noticing its perfect white petals, its golden yellow centre holding everything in perfect harmony. "You told me that Caroline filled you with light."

Kate turned her head quickly to look at her friend, surprised that Jools had hooked into her implication, despite her even realising she'd made that link herself. She met Jools' eyes. Kind, non-threatening, gentle. Nodded softly. "I did."

"Explain that to me."

"I'm not sure I can, Jools. She...we just...clicked y'know. When I was with her, I wasn't...searching any more. I wasn't anxious. Well...only to please her." She looked seriously at her friend. "God Jools, I would've done _anything_ for her."

"Isn't that a normal feeling for the person you're with?"

Kate looked thoughtful as she considered how to express herself so that Jools would understand. "Yes, of course. But with Caroline...well, that felt more...desperate almost. Like I needed to prove to her what she meant to me. If she'd've asked me to...", she searched for an appropriate analogy, "...stand in the middle of the M62 naked and juggling flaming clubs, I would've!"

Jools smiled at the image and Kate reflected her smile, realising how silly that sounded. Jools looked back to the daisy still in her hand and as she twirled it slowly, watching the petals merge into one another, asked, "Why do you think you felt that desperate? Couldn't you just tell her what she meant to you?"

Kate sighed. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? We'd never really done that though...and I think I was scared of frightening her off...so I just...adapted to her way."

"Which was?"

"Showing each other physically...not pressing her to talk - outside of when we were making love - about what I meant to her. And not therefore telling her what I felt." She shook her head at herself. "Bloody disaster. Because that way of...being...had been alien to me for so long...I felt like I was ultimately trying to seek her approval all the time." She looked up. Wanting to be in the high branches of the tree. Comforted. Safe.

Jools was quiet for a while as she allowed Kate's words to sink in. Finally she said softly, "Who had you been like that with before?"

Kate returned her gaze to Jools. Surprised by the question. Again. "Not a partner. Not someone you'd know." Avoiding the question.

"Who then? Family?"

Kate swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. "Pass me the lemonade, will you?" Jools did and Kate unscrewed the top and took a healthy swig from the bottle. As she put it down she noticed Jools still waiting patiently for her answer. Kate took a deep breath. "My...grandmother."

Jools nodded. "You've only briefly mentioned her before...but I remember she passed away when we were at Uni. What was she like?"

Kate reached behind her to feel the solidness of the tree under her hands. She placed her palms against the bark trying to absorb its steadfastness, its reassuring strength. Her fingertips traced the indentations of the wood and as she did so she remembered being in bed with Caroline, sitting straddling her thighs as Caroline lay on her stomach. Lightly tracing her fingertips over her skin; from her shoulders to her back and down to her buttocks. Caroline had shivered under her touch and Kate had felt...powerful.

She shuddered slightly and said, "Powerful. My grandmother was very...in control."

Jools turned more fully to look at Kate. "That doesn't sound...nurturing."

Kate scoffed. "God no, she definitely wasn't..._that_!"

Green eyes searching Kate's face, trying to read the emotion. "Were you...scared of her?"

Kate reached out blindly with her hand to feel the tree's root, which she knew was just to the right of her hip. She grasped the smooth wood, anchoring herself to the ground. To this time and this space. Here in the park, in the sun. She stroked the root with her fingertips, reading the power of the tree. Its strength. There was silence for long moments and then, just as Jools thought she wasn't going to answer, Kate said, "Have you ever heard of gizdodo?"

Jools looked confused. "No. Should I have?"

Kate looked at the grass growing around the root. Touched it gently with her fingertips, ruffling it softly. "It's a Nigerian dish. Chicken gizzards and plantain essentially." She looked up at Jools, her expression inscrutable. "It was my grandmother's favourite." She paused as she remembered and her face hardened. "I hated it."

"Did she...", Jools touched her leg tentatively, "...was she...cruel to you?"

"Well she made me eat gizdodo...until I vomited." Kate tried to make her statement bland and factual but her eyes betrayed the pain of her memory.

"Oh Kate!" Jools was visibly moved by Kate's words. She rubbed her leg gently. Comfortingly.

Kate swallowed and looked out across the park to where a small group of young girls played together, competing to see who could do the best cartwheel. She was initially enchanted by their childish delight and then, as if she was Alice falling down that rabbit hole, she was suddenly transported back to being about six or seven and trying to show her grandmother how she could do a cartwheel.

* * *

><p><em>"Granny! Look! L<em>_ook at me!"_

_Her grandmother had looked up from her magazine. Her eyes immediately becoming cold. Hard. "Kathrine! Stop that at once, girl!" She got up and strode to where Kate was now standing, looking confused and frightened. Lunging at her and grabbing her wrist, she pulled Kate toward her. "Throwing yourself around like that! It's indecent!" _

_Kate looked at her wide-eyed. "What do you mean, granny?"_

_"You...", she pulled viciously at her arm, hissing as she did so, "...shouldn't be showing your...underwear to all and sundry! You are supposed to be a young lady!"_

_Kate's bottom lip had trembled as she tried not to cry. "But...I was good Granny...wasn't I?" Her child's voice was small and lost._

_"Pride is a sin, Kathrine", was all her grandmother had said._

* * *

><p>Now, Kate remembered that day; how angry her grandmother had been, how her eyes had flashed and her fingers had gripped Kate's small wrist. Like her memories had brought back the physical hurt, her right hand stroked her left wrist as if to soothe away the bruising all these years later.<p>

Jools watched Kate closely for a while. Finally she said, "So why do you think you were trying to seek Caroline's approval?"

Kate turned to look at Jools. Her eyes dark with sadness. "I don't think I was...trying to seek her approval, I think it was more that I wanted her to tell me that I...mattered to her."

Jools' green eyes roamed over Kate's face. "But she did..._show_ you that you mattered?"

Kate looked a little confused. "Yes", she said slowly, "...and I could see in her eyes...and the way she was that she did...care...about me."

"Right. So she wasn't like your grandmother in that sense?" A tentative question.

"God no!" Kate looked astonishedly at her.

Jools tried to explain where her remark had come from. "It's just that..."

Kate interrupted. "No. I get it Jools. I know where you're coming from." She patted her knee reassuringly. "I said I wanted to please Caroline...like I had with my grandmother."

Jools nodded. "I was just concerned that your relationship with Caroline had maybe...mirrored that lack of power you'd felt with your grandmother as a child."

Kate looked at Jools intently, clearly thinking about what she'd said. After a long pause she said thoughtfully, "I guess there was a power...element to our relationship." Another pause then, "I mean to start with she was my boss...so there was that...initial...", she smiled wryly, "...frisson I suppose. And then, like my grandmother, Caroline wasn't...that forthcoming emotionally...but she wasn't cruel, Jools. She was never cruel. And in bed...", she tailed off looking embarrassed.

"You _can_ tell me Kate. I do understand about s.e.x. you know." Jools smiled at Kate, trying to make her feel comfortable.

Kate returned her smile. "Yes. I remember that house we shared at Uni...with the very thin walls...when you were with Anna. She seemed to think you..._understood_ her...from what I heard", she said cheekily.

Jools flushed delicately. "Yes but we're not talking about me, are we McKenzie?"

Kate stuck her tongue out childishly but then almost immediately sobered and after a moment's pause she said, "The thing is...now I think about it...well, if there was a power imbalance in bed...I was the one with the upper hand."

"Right. Ok, so you were the more...dominant one. That doesn't necessarily mean anything."

"No...but...what if my...dominance came out of a feeling of trying to redress a perceived power imbalance out of bed?"

"Because she wouldn't...or couldn't tell you how she felt about you, you mean?"

"Yes. What if I was trying to manipulate her, Jools?!" Kate looked horrified at the thought.

"Well...were you? Did you _make_ her tell you how she felt about you?"

Kate stopped, clearly thinking. "I'm...not sure." Her mind drifted back to another time. A time when it seemed as if things might go right between them. A time when she felt like they'd started to slip into the right groove together.

* * *

><p>"<em>How permanent is this?" Kate continued to smile at Caroline.<em>

_Caroline washed her hands, dried them on a towel and walked towards Kate. Leaned on the counter in front of her, looking up. "We need to sit down and have the conversation properly...and not when we've been rushed into it...but it's...yeah...if...if...yeah. If it's what you want."_

"_Do you need to ask?"_

_The phone rang then and Caroline had answered it, cutting their conversation short._

_Later that night, Kate already snuggled in Caroline's bed, watched her as she emerged from the en suite in a bathrobe._

"_You look cute in that. Is it new?"_

"_Cute?! Kate, I've never been cute. Not even when I was a child." Kate opened her mouth to protest, so Caroline chose to answer her question rather than allow her to. "And yes, it is new. I couldn't wear the other one. Not after Judith had been...cavorting around...and being sick in it." She paused as if deciding whether or not to continue and then, having clearly decided to, said, "I bought a new mattress too. Do you like it?"_

_Kate looked surprised. "You bought a new mattress! Why?!"_

_Caroline looked indignant. "I wasn't having you...sleeping...or us making love on the same mattress, as John and Judith." She took her robe off and slipped into bed._

"_Oh Caroline, that is so sweet." Kate slipped her arms around Caroline and pulled her in close. Caroline kissed Kate's mouth tenderly. When the kiss ended, Kate said, "And you did look cute. Whatever your opinion might be." Caroline opened her mouth to argue but Kate covered it with her own and with no argument at all Caroline sank into the kiss._

* * *

><p>"I certainly <em>wanted<em> Caroline to tell me how she felt", Kate said thoughtfully. "And maybe when she didn't...I settled for being in control in bed."

Jools nodded, then said, "Did Caroline ever...tell you...or indicate that she didn't like you being in charge...sexually?"

"No. She...seemed to...enjoy it."

"Then maybe she enjoyed giving up that control in bed...as much as you probably enjoyed taking it." Jools looked at Kate seriously. "Relationships, especially between women are a hotbed – excuse the pun – of sexual politics, Kate. You know that. And maybe for Caroline, who was in control in pretty much every other aspect of her life -_ and_ your relationship - giving up that control sexually to you...was really gratifying. And she felt safe enough with you to do that."

Kate returned Jools' serious look as she thought about what her friend had said. Finally she said, "Maybe you're right, yes." Her shoulders seemed to relax as the reality of what Jools had said seeped into her consciousness like the sap deep within the bark against which she leant.

"So, if what Caroline was getting out of it was feeling safe enough to give up that control, did you get what you needed out of it?"

Kate looked confused. "What? Are you...ummm.."

Jools smiled. "I'm not asking how satisfied you were sexually, Kate. Although you already told me that the sex was fantastic, so I'm assuming you were. Satisfied that is. I'm asking whether, when Caroline allowed you to take control, she was able to tell you...or show you how she felt about you...as that seems to be the main thing that was missing for you."

"Oh right." A pause. "Well...yes, I suppose there were those...moments."

"Were there?" Unsure whether Kate was now just trying to placate, or maybe just change the subject.

"Actually, yes, now I come to think about it...there were." More certain now. Kate placed her hands behind her on the tree trunk and arched her back slightly as she pushed against it. Its steadfastness and strength reassuring against her palms.

"Were they...moments you're...maybe injecting meaning into now, looking back, do you think?" Tentative. Knowing she was treading on thin ice now.

"Bloody hell Jools, do you honestly think I'd lie?! What would be the point of that now? Just to remind myself what I've lost? Yeah cos I don't know that, do I?"

Jools held up her hand in apology. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to be looking back with rose-tinted specs, y'know."

Kate sighed. "I don't think that's very likely. And I've got other things to concentrate on now...in any event."

"I suppose you have, yes. So, have you been to the doctor yet?"

"Yes. Just to check the results really."

"Results? Have you done more than one test then?"

Kate had forgotten how quick and insightful her friend could be. She looked a little sheepish. She nodded. "I suppose I'm a bit...paranoid. I'm so...worried about losing...it...that I've been doing lots of tests. Just to make sure...that I still...am."

Green eyes searched Kate's face. "Still?"

Kate nodded.

"Oh Kate." Jools put her arm around Kate's shoulder and pulled her to her.

Kate allowed herself to be hugged. She slipped her arm around Jools' waist in return and leaned her head against her friend's. For a while they sat in companionable silence, then Kate yawned quietly.

Jools pulled away slightly to look at her quizzically. "You not sleeping well?"

Kate hesitated slightly, then admitted, "Not too badly...but I've...changed my sleeping habits a bit...which has helped."

"What do you mean? You nocturnal now or something?" Jools kept her tone light but her concern was still evident.

Kate swallowed. Squeezed Jools' waist gently before moving away. Back into her own space. Her own existence. "Actually, yes. I sleep better during the day...for some reason, so I've taken to sleeping in the afternoon." The lightness of her words was betrayed by the shadow that swept across her eyes.

"How's that going to work when school starts again?"

"Oh it's just temporary, Jools." Kate tried to be dismissive, then when she saw her friend's impassive impression, "I can always just set my afternoon classes a written test while I put my head on the desk and have a snooze." She grinned convincingly.

Jools couldn't help but return Kate's smile. "Well feel free to have a snooze now, pregnant lady. Women falling asleep in my company has been a common theme ever since I started to date."

"I take it you're not counting the lovely Tina in with those soporific dates?"

"Oh god, don't remind me about her! I couldn't sleep for weeks thinking about her sitting there studying me." She shuddered dramatically.

Kate laughed. "Well, if you can assure me you're not going to sit there and watch me drool, then I might just take a nap."

Jools smiled, "Go on, you're safe."

"Can I use your sweatshirt as a pillow?"

Jools rolled her eyes dramatically. "Of course you can, princess." She folded her sweatshirt and handed it to Kate.

"Thanks." Kate took it and placed it on the ground, then snuggled down on her side with her head on it. Her left hand automatically sought out the tree's root and her fingers gripped it lightly as she shut her eyes.

The soft breeze above rustled the tree's leaves in a gentle percussion and Kate was soothed by the sound. The quiet 'swooshing' as she drifted off to sleep reminded her of the tickle of Caroline's hair against her skin.

That, in turn, brought to mind a specific occasion that now swirled around the mists of her sleepy mind, mocking her with its beauty. It had been later the same night, after Kate had 'moved in' with Caroline in order to push John into moving out. Caroline had made love to Kate with a searing tenderness that had moved her beyond words.

Kate had sublimated her feelings into making love to Caroline. The purity of the moment moved her and now, in her sleep she emitted a small sob. Jools looked up from her book and glanced at her but when she realised Kate was still asleep she went back to reading. Despite Kate now fighting the memory through her sleep, it continued to play itself out.

* * *

><p><em>Caroline sitting astride her as Kate sat with her back against the headboard, dictating her movements. <em>

_"Caroline, open your eyes. Look at me. I want you to look at me." A gentle entreaty._

_Caroline did so. And then as she gasped Kate's name, she looked into her eyes and Kate felt as if she was reading her soul. The blue of her eyes seemed more intense than usual. An azure sea of infinite depth. Her expression was at once focused and yet far away. _

_And then, when Caroline stretched her neck elegantly, arched her back, tensed and shuddered with her hands placed behind her on Kate's legs for what seemed like an eternity, Kate felt at once powerful and yet humbled by the strength of this connection and that Caroline had felt able to expose herself as intimately as she had._

_Eventually Caroline's muscles relaxed and she moved, immediately looking into Kate's eyes again. Kate's breath caught in her throat as she saw Caroline's tears and she enveloped her softly in her arms._

_"I'm sorry", Caroline whispered. "It's just so...much. I've never..."_

_"It's ok. I know." She kissed the tears on Caroline's cheeks and in the corner of her eyes. "I know, Caroline."_

* * *

><p>Kate took a shuddering breath as she slept under the shade of the tree. Jools, noticing put her book down quietly and got to her feet, stretching her legs as she did so. She stood over Kate, looking down at her concernedly. As she looked at her sleeping countenance, one fat tear slid out from underneath Kate's closed eyelid and rolled slowly across her face.<p>

Jools bit her lip and placed her hand against the tree, feeling the rough bark beneath her fingertips. She looked up through the myriad of leaves at the cloudless blue sky and focused on the hope of summertime.


	5. Chapter 5

_"No...look, this was meant to be..."_

* * *

><p><em>Kate took a deep breath and knocked on the partially open door as she stuck her head around it.<em>

_Life vest fastened, paddle poised, rapids sighted downstream._

_"Sorry. Hello. Beverley said you might have a few minutes." Caroline looked at her blankly, almost as if she didn't recognise her or understand her request. "I can come back later."_

_A suggestion to stay here in the shallows by the bank for a little longer. Safe. Not exposed._

_"No. No, come in."_

_Kate entered the room and shut the door behind her. She walked in confidently but her eyes betrayed her, giving Caroline a concerned, sideways glance as she passed her desk._

_Looking for whirlpools or eddies or rocks just beneath the surface. Anything that could capsize. Take away her control. Leave her exposed. Vulnerable._

_She got to the chair and gestured at it, asking silently if it was ok to sit. An overt demonstration of her deference to Caroline's position. 'This is a business interaction. Nothing more.'_

_Rehearsed. Practised. Knows the theory. Tries to ignore the churning of her stomach._

_"Sure."_

_Settled herself safely in the boat. Prepared to take control. Steer confidently mid-river. Keep eyes peeled. Avoid any obstacles._

_Kate sat down. Caroline took a breath, put her glasses down and smoothed the papers on the desk in front of her._

_Boat untied. Cast off. The only way now is forward. Down._

_Kate took a breath. "Ok. Well. Amazingly...", Kate looked away, not wanting to look at Caroline, "..I'm pregnant. It was twelve weeks...on Saturday, so...I'm cautiously starting to think about..", she looked back to meet Caroline's eyes briefly, "..the future."_

_Eyes dead ahead. Not looking at the choppy waters around her. Boat beginning to jump around a little recklessly underneath her as it skipped over the first few rocks._

_"And...what I'd like to do...", she looked away again, "..if nothing..."', Kate struggled to keep her emotions under control as all of a sudden she was contemplating the unthinkable, "...is work up until next Easter...and then ideally, if it's possible...if it's something you can accommodate, I'd like to come back, part-time...this time, next year...autumn term."_

_Overcome. Caught in a whirlpool already. Battling to get out of it. Paddle dug in. Trying to straighten up and emerge facing forward, downstream. Called on her reserves of strength and somehow hauled the boat out. A slight tremor. A slew. But back on track._

_"Right." Caroline couldn't look at Kate._

_"How possible is that? I know that you've been very good...in the past...with women who've left to start families and then wanted to go part-time." Knew she was pushing Caroline to be reasonable. Knew she was manipulating her with her own reasonableness._

_Paddling strongly now. Heading downriver. Eyes on the horizon._

_"...have to leave it with me." Caroline looked down at the desk._

_Kate sighed. "If what you're really thinking is you'll be lucky, I'd rather you just said." Professionalism and reasonableness replaced with informality and annoyance. Somewhere in her mind she was reminded of the conversation she'd had with Caroline several months ago in her garden where she'd been angry at Caroline's inability to tell her she meant something to her._

_Battling with the current. Trying to manoeuvre a little chicane of rocks._

_Caroline lifted a hand. Still unable to look at Kate. "No, I hope you know me better than that. I just need time to work out...the logistics, that's all." Kate looked at her hand. Realised that this was the first whole sentence Caroline had put together since Kate had sat down. Realised she wasn't being cool and professional; she was drowning in front of her eyes._

_Kate looked at Caroline's hand. Held up in a gesture intended to halt the direction of her assumption. It fluttered slightly; the fingers trembling delicately in a gesture that made Kate's stomach roil._

_Another time, another place. Kate lying in between Caroline's legs, her arms pinning Caroline's thighs to the bed. Teasing. Nuzzling. Teasing. Caroline gasping. Alternating between Kate's name and the word 'please'. Kate's mouth soft, then demanding. In charge. Controlling. Caroline gasping again. Her voice low, breathless, shaky. Kate pushed forward then pulled back, stopped for a moment, looked up. Her expression assured. Cocky. Caroline, half reclining now against the headboard where scrabbling heels had pushed her inch by inch back up the bed, unclasped the fingers of her right hand from around the bunched-up sheet. Holding up a shaking hand in a conciliatory gesture. "Please Kate, no more...I can't...I need..." Kate smiling, feeling powerful, bent back to her task._

_Now she felt sick as she acknowledged what a thrill she'd got out of that power over Caroline and how she now felt she'd abused that power._

_The back of the boat flipped up. Bucked like an unbroken horse. Breath caught in her throat as she slammed back down hard on the water. Not in control now. Nowhere near._

_"S...sorry."_

_Paddle raised out of the water. Forgotten everything she knows about rafting. No idea how to stay afloat. No direction. Boat tossed around like a leaf in a storm._

_"Ok." Caroline picked up her glasses and put them back on. Business done._

_Boat now drifting towards the bank. Kate holding on to the perimeter rope._

_"Thank you." After a pause, Kate got up and walked to the door. She felt entirely wrong footed. Off kilter._

_Paddle back in the water. Hauling back to slow and control direction._

_Caroline, pen in hand, glasses on, still looking at the desk, uttered a choked, "Congratulations."_

_Kate, now at the door, turned and smiled. "Thank you. Thanks." She opened the door then paused, a slightly quizzical look on her face, before she exited. Kate felt shaken up. Caroline's reaction had totally thrown her._

_Boat bounced off the bank. Sideways down the little ladder of rapids. Kate breathed deeply and tried to get herself back on track. Focused. Dug in._

_Tried not to think about Caroline's reaction. And what it meant. As she went through the door though, she heard Caroline take a strangled breath and knew she was crying._

_The bottom of the rapids turned into unexpected falls and the boat hurtled downwards out of control. Hit the bottom and flipped over. Kate now floundering in heavy water._

_Kate closed the door behind her quietly but she couldn't take her hand off the door handle. It was as if Caroline's laboured breaths were binding her to the door. An unbroken thread. For a minute or so she stayed there, frozen to the spot, listening to Caroline cry on the other side of the door. Conflicted. Wanting to go back in and hold her. Wanting to leave, uncaring._

_Then, in a moment her body made the decision for her. Catching a whiff of Beverley's fresh coffee from somewhere on the other side of the outer door, her stomach churned violently and she knew she was about to be sick. Abandoning her post, she hurried down the corridor to the staff toilet._

_Water calm on the surface now but underneath churning, swirling, boiling. Only just under the surface...but there. The danger lurking in the darkness._

* * *

><p>"Happy birthday, Jools!" Kate raised her glass of orange juice to Jools, sitting across the table from her.<p>

"Thanks." Jools raised her glass of red wine in return and smiled as Kate 'clinked' their glasses together. "And thank you for my present. It's beautiful." She touched the delicate turquoise pendant around her neck.

"You've already thanked me." She smiled. "But I'm glad you like it. I thought it would suit you...and it does."

"It's worth turning 43 for." Jools grimaced dramatically.

"God yes, I'd forgotten you were _so_ much older than me!" Kate teased.

Jools feigned a stern demeanour. "Respect your elders, McKenzie."

"I've seen you at your worst, Hamilton...and while I still love you, some of those sights have definitely eroded any respect for you as an older and wiser person."

Jools laughed. "If you're going to bring up the shopping trolley incident again, I shall have to slap you."

Kate feigned a shocked expression. "You'd slap a pregnant lady?!"

Jools sighed dramatically. "Actually, I wouldn't. But you'll only be able to get away with that for so long...and while you may be a woman, you are _definitely_ not a lady. You forget, I've seen some of your..._finer_ moments too."

Kate laughed, "Yes...well, let's just keep that between us, shall we?"

Their meals were served then and the next few minutes were spent in companionable silence with just the odd comment passed on the food.

Jools looked up between mouthfuls. "So...how's the morning sickness been?"

Kate said wryly, "Nice dinner topic, Jools."

Jools looked shamefaced, "Oh god, sorry!"

Kate smiled. "It's fine." She paused, watching as Jools slowly reflected her smile, then she said, "It's a lot better actually but I can't be anywhere near the smell of coffee still."

"Ah, I'll remember that. No after dinner coffee then."

"Not if you don't want an...unfortunate reaction, no."

"Duly noted."

"Can I try your...potato thingy?" Kate gestured with her fork at Jools' plate.

"Go on then. Who am I to stand in the way of a pregnant woman and a potato thingy."

Kate grinned, leant over and helped herself to a forkful of Jools' potato dish. While she was chewing, Jools said, "So. Have you told Caroline, now that you're past the twelve week mark?"

Kate swallowed. "Of course. She's my boss. I'm obliged to." Matter of fact. She gestured at Jools' plate off-handedly. "That's really nice. I wish I'd ordered it now."

Jools looked at her keenly for a moment before asking quietly, "How did it go?"

Kate took a mouthful of orange juice before looking at Jools. "It was...strange."

"What kind of strange?"

Kate looked at what was left of her dinner and poked at the vegetables with her knife and fork without seeming as if she was interested in eating them. Then she said in a strained voice, "She seemed...upset."

"Upset that you're pregnant?"

"Uh huh. But...", she looked up and Jools could see the dark cloud in her eyes, "...it was like she...was really shaken y'know."

"Did she say anything?"

"Not...not really." Jools looked at her quizzically, silently questioning her answer. Kate lowered her head shamefully, then looked back up guiltily, "God Jools, I feel so guilty."

"Why?"

"When I left...her office, I heard her. She was crying, Jools. And I went in there with a _plan_..", her tone was appalled, "...I just wanted to get through it and get what I wanted out of it. And that was the _only_ thing I was thinking about."

Jools could see tears in Kate's eyes as she looked across the table at her. She kept her voice gentle, the affection obvious, "So do you think you were...trying to influence her reaction?"

Kate nodded solemnly. "I think I probably was, yes.

"In what way? Weren't you just doing what you needed to do...informing her of your pregnancy as your boss and talking about your plans regarding maternity leave?"

Kate picked up her glass again and sipped her orange juice before saying steadily, "I was really nervous about it, Jools. It was going to be the most...personal conversation we'd had since...well, since we'd split up...and I was dreading it." She took a deep breath. "I decided to just concentrate on what I needed...for me...and the baby and try to ignore any lingering...personal...issues between the two of us...but I was so thrown by her lack of response initially that I veered into being more...", she tailed off, clearly trying to find the right word, "...well I suppose if I'm honest I was being manipulative."

"Why do you think she might've been non-responsive?" A quiet question.

"I...don't know. At the time, I just thought she was playing the power game y'know. Doing that thing where silence forces the other person to speak."

"Hmmm...have there been any other occasions when Caroline has been non-responsive?"

Kate was quiet for a moment as she remembered, then she said thoughtfully, "When I told her about Greg...that I was going to ask him if he'd...be the donor...I remember she was unresponsive for a little while."

"Do you remember what you'd said?"

"Ummmm...I'd told her about him and that I'd thought he was a good person to ask...and then...then I said that because we'd slept together many years ago, it'd be easier because we could just do it. I remember she just looked at me and didn't say anything for what seemed like ages...and so I carried on talking. Which of course is what I did this time too."

Jools' green eyed gaze was calm and clear. "Did you think about why she may have been unresponsive when you told her about Greg?"

Kate nodded. "Because she didn't want me to get pregnant probably...so wanted me to talk myself out of it...to save her doing it."

A calm, green sea of reason. "Kate, how would _you_ have reacted if she'd told you she was intending to sleep with...her ex-husband say, in order to get pregnant?"

Kate opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again, realisation dawning. Finally she said, "Oh. She didn't want me to sleep with him. And actually she did tell me she was having problems processing that side of things...a few days later."

Jools nodded. "So, when you told her you were pregnant and she didn't respond, do you think there might have been another reason, other than her trying to retain power over you?"

Kate picked up her glass, looked into it as if for inspiration and then swirled the orange juice gently as if it were brandy before eventually looking up. "I suppose I might've totally thrown her with what I'd said."

Jools nodded. "You might've, yes. So were you trying to get Caroline to...just respond, or were you looking for a specific response?"

Kate opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. There was a pause as serious brown eyes maintained contact with green, then Kate said, "I'm...not sure. I think I'd just concentrated so hard on being able to...deliver that message to...Caroline, that I'd failed to think about anything else. But then, when she just didn't...say anything it...annoyed me...and I just pushed forward." She paused for a moment and then said quietly, "I think it was because I knew...she'd had...misgivings about this pregnancy...and I was just pushing for a reaction." She swallowed and lowered her head shamefully.

Jools reached across the table and held Kate's hand. "Kate...what you did...well it's understandable really...bearing in mind how Caroline had been so uncommunicative about her feelings when you were together." She waited then until Kate looked up and made eye contact before continuing, "So, what did you actually...say?"

"I...told her that if...everything went ok...I wanted to come back part time next autumn...and asked her how possible that was. The thing is though Jools, when I was...struggling to talk...thinking about what might still go wrong...I think there was a part of me that was expecting her to reassure me...to make me feel better...but she said absolutely nothing...and I realise now that...annoyed me. And then, well, I went on to say something like I knew she'd been very good in the past with women who'd wanted to come back part time after leaving to start a family...which was so _manipulative_! I was clearly intimating that if she could do that for people who were just employees...then surely she should do that for me when we'd been so much more than that. God Jools, my behaviour was..._awful_!"

Jools stroked the hand she held with her thumb. "Oh Kate. I think you're being very hard on yourself."

"I'm not sure I am. I heard her, Jools...when I left the room...she was crying. She sounded...heartbroken!"

"Kate, Kate...you can't be responsible for everything Caroline feels...whether it's about you or not."

Kate took a shaky breath. "Yes, I know that. It's just...I can't help feeling...that I needed to be more...sympathetic to what...how she might've been feeling about my news. It's not like we don't have...history. And I know that...regardless of what she might've felt about me getting pregnant...she knew what it meant to me...and it's not like she doesn't know what I'd gone through or what it was like to be pregnant herself."

* * *

><p><em>Kate lay across the bed with her shoulders nestling Caroline's right thigh and her head resting on the top of Caroline's left thigh.<em>

_"You comfy down there?" Caroline's voice was low, relaxed and gently humorous._

_"Mmmhmmm." Kate put her hand on Caroline's stomach lightly. Could feel her gentle laughter rumble through her muscles. She loved Caroline like this. At her most relaxed, informal and intimate. Times like this had already overcome any reticence she might've had about getting involved with her boss. Her closeted boss. Her gorgeous, baggage-laden, closeted boss with legs to die for._

_"Well I'm glad I make a comfy pillow."_

_"Oh you are much more than a comfy pillow, Caroline", Kate said suggestively._

_There was quiet for a moment and then, when Kate braved the silence and turned her head to look up at Caroline she found blue eyes gazing at her soulfully. Caroline cleared her throat and said softly, "You're very beautiful, Kate."_

_Kate swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. She stroked Caroline's midriff with her fingertips, buying herself time to regain some composure. "You're gorgeous."_

_Caroline scoffed. "Are you kidding? This body has had two babies. And it shows."_

_Kate shook her head and then kissed the gentle hollow between Caroline's thigh and her hip before looking up again. "Nope. You're definitely gorgeous." She looked down again and allowed the tip of her tongue to follow the same path she had just kissed. Caroline shivered softly under her tender attention and Kate smiled, then as she laid the palm of her hand on Caroline's stomach, she said, "I'll bet you looked so beautiful when you were pregnant."_

_Caroline's voice was a little unsteady as she tried to remain dismissive. "I remember feeling like I was the size of a small village when I was having Lawrence...so sorry to disappoint you but I don't think there was anything beautiful about me then."_

_Kate rolled onto her side, leaning on her forearm as her upper body spanned Caroline's thighs. She looked at Caroline seriously for a moment before leaning forward and kissing her tummy. She let her lips trail sensuously across her skin, then without looking up she said, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I know you would've been beautiful." She looked up then, "Because you are incredibly beautiful now...and to think of...", she bent her head again, embarrassed at what she had been going to say and let her lips resume their trail across Caroline's midriff, her tongue drawing sensual patterns in their wake. She felt the muscles tremble slightly under her mouth._

_"What were you going to say?" Caroline's voice was quiet above her. She reached down and stroked Kate's hair with her fingertips, encouraging her to look up despite the wonderful sensations her mouth was evoking against her already sensitised skin._

_Kate looked up slowly and Caroline cupped her chin as she did so. "I...I was going to say..." Kate's voice was husky and slightly hesitant. "...that to think of your body ripe with pregnancy...your curves accentuated...lush and more ...womanly than ever...well I can't think of anything more beautiful."_

_Tears sprang to Caroline's eyes and she swallowed as she stroked Kate's face. "Oh Kate, that's a lovely thing to say."_

_Kate sniffed, "It's just...what I think."_

_Caroline smiled softly. "Come up here. I can't kiss you down there."_

_Kate did as asked, scooting up beside Caroline who drew her in for a tender kiss that turned into three and then four. By the time they drew apart a little, their bodies were melded together like warm clay and Kate had tangled her legs in Caroline's as if to anchor herself to this time, this place._

_They looked at each other intensely, their breathing heavy with desire. Again. Kate couldn't remember this intense a physical connection since...god, since Kim when she'd been just 21._

_Caroline, clearly also feeling the intensity of the moment blinked as if in disbelief and licked her lips, which now felt bruised and hot. For a moment she focused intently on Kate's lips. It was unclear whether her gaze was accusing or wanton. She blinked again, then laughed softly and said, "You know, if you could've seen some of the horrendous maternity fashion disasters I wore when pregnant, you'd probably change your mind."_

_Kate trailed her hand from Caroline's waist along the curve of her hip as she smiled. "I expect you were still beautiful but...just what kind of fashion disasters are we talking about?"_

_Caroline rolled her eyes, then said lightly, "Well I'm telling you this in the strictest confidence...but there was definitely a tent dress or two...especially when I was pregnant with Lawrence because I was like the side of a house come the end. Oh and when I was pregnant with William, I had a pair of maternity dungarees...which were quite vile...but actually very comfortable."_

_Kate sniggered. "I can't imagine you in maternity dungarees."_

_"Well, if I tell you I looked like a bloody Teletubby, that's about the vision you should be heading for."_

_Kate, still fondling the plushness of Caroline's hip, laughed. "What colour were they?"_

_Caroline, smiling now, "Green I think."_

_Kate grinned as she said, "Oooo, Dipsy was the green one, wasn't he?" She paused and then said wickedly, "I would've had you down more as the Tinky Winky type."_

_Caroline raised her eyebrows. "Well, aren't you the Teletubbies expert!"_

_"Oh I'm an expert on all sorts of things."_

_"So I'm finding out." Caroline leaned forward claiming Kate's mouth again in a searing kiss, pulling Kate on top of her._

* * *

><p>"So...are you having dessert, birthday girl?"<p>

"I think I probably should...as I'm not able to have coffee." Jools grinned.

"Nothing to do with the fact that I saw you slavering over that man's dessert over there when they brought it out, I don't suppose?" Kate returned her friend's grin.

"Well, it did look like a particularly good key lime pie."

"It did, yes."

"It'd be rude not to then, wouldn't it?"

"And you're nothing if not polite, Jools."

"You know me so well, McKenzie."

They duly ordered desserts: for Jools the key lime pie, for Kate a sorbet and for a while there was silence as they tucked in, then Kate asked, "So, do I take it from the silence that the dessert is good?"

"Very. Do you...want to try some?"

Kate laughed at Jools' worried expression. "I appreciate your continued good manners but don't worry, I'm not going to deprive you of any."

Jools smiled. "Good. Because it _is_ my birthday you know."

"Is it? I never would've remembered if you hadn't told me every five minutes."

Jools finally scraped the last piece of dessert from her plate and sat back with a satisfied smile. "That was superb. And worth having to go to the gym three times a day between now and Christmas just to work off the calories."

Kate smiled at her exaggeration. "Jools, I've known you over twenty years and you've never put on an ounce in all that time."

"Not true. I just hide it well."

"Then keep hiding, cos you look fantastic."

"Sweet talker." Kate blew her a kiss and then catching the eye of the waiter, indicated that they'd like the bill. Jools looked at Kate shrewdly. "So, have you told Greg that his swimmers have done the business?"

Kate screwed up her nose. "Delicately put. But yes, I have. I spoke to him earlier today. He says to wish you a happy birthday by the way."

"Right...and let me guess..."

"The card's in the post", they both parroted together laughingly.

There was a comfortable silence and then Jools asked, "So, apart from me - who caught you pretty much mid-puke so you had no option - Caroline was the first person you chose to tell?"

Kate looked at her slightly shamefacedly. "I suppose so, yes."

Green eyes looked at her keenly. "So that wasn't deliberate?"

"I...don't think so." Not even fooling herself with that level of lacklustre conviction.

"Hmmm...that isn't the end of this line of questioning, McKenzie...but I need the loo. Here's my card...", she fished her debit card out of her bag and put it on the table, "...pay at least half the bill with that...you know the number." She gave Kate a mock stern stare saying, "I mean it", before turning and walking to where the toilets were located.

Kate watched her departing back for a moment and then stared thoughtfully at the flickering tea light candle on the table as she remembered.

* * *

><p><em>A Saturday. Kate and Caroline had the whole day together as the boys had their own plans. Kate had taken Caroline out for breakfast and they'd done a little shopping together. Kate had said she wanted to take her purchases back home but they both knew that had just been an excuse. The sexual tension had been building between them the whole morning and the odd subtle touch, the occasional sultry look and an infrequent whispered comment had all served to ensure that they were hardly through the door of Kate's cottage before the heat between them had ignited.<em>

_Kate had wanted Caroline with an almost feverish need. There'd been no time to slow down and go upstairs to the bedroom. Not that first time. She'd stripped Caroline of most of her clothes in seconds and urged her onto the kitchen counter where she'd proceeded to demonstrate that it was indeed 'the perfect height' as she'd said it would be._

_Afterwards she'd smiled wolfishly and urged Caroline to her feet, putting her arm around her waist as she led her upstairs on shaky legs._

_They'd made love for hours that day. It was as if they were starving for each other. As if it was only the other who could slake that thirst; feed that hunger. Kate felt looking back now that they'd been, as Emily Dickinson had so succinctly said, 'hungry all the years'._

_Later, as the afternoon sun painted its rays across the bed, Caroline had looked into Kate's eyes and wordlessly had made love to her so tenderly and with such emotion that Kate had felt at once utterly exposed and yet entirely safe. She saw her own emotion reflected in the lake of Caroline's eyes and gave herself over to it completely. Unafraid._

_As she climaxed she cried with the intensity of her feelings and Caroline had held her and had cried too as she kissed away Kate's tears. For a while she allowed herself to be held and comforted as she sobbed. Caroline hadn't asked for any explanation and Kate hadn't offered one but she'd wept for the fact that a moment like that could never result in the creation of a child. And it should have._

_As pure as the shaft of sunlight across the sheet and as pure as the emotion in Caroline's eyes was the notion that a connection such as that should result in the creation of a new life. And so she'd wept for the unfairness of it all._

* * *

><p>Jools returned to the table, peering at her concernedly. "Are you ok?"<p>

Kate cleared her throat delicately, "I'm fine." She flashed a bright smile then busied herself putting her purse back in her bag.

"Have you paid the whole bloody bill, McKenzie?" Jools asked accusingly, noticing her card still lay where she'd tossed it.

Kate raised her chin obstinately, "Yep. Because it _is _your birthday, y'know."

"Right. Just for that, I'm going to buy your child only messy or noisy toys until it's at least sixteen."

Kate smiled. "I'll take the batteries out."

"I shall bring new batteries around every week." And then as she saw Kate yawn surreptitiously, "Right, come on McKenzie, take me home so you can go and get some sleep."

Kate duly dropped Jools off at her house, then drove herself home. She sighed quietly as she slowed down outside her house, realising that all the spaces in the road there had been taken. She drove another fifty metres or so before she found a space and reversed into it expertly. Getting out, she locked the car and started to walk back up the road to her cottage, making sure her path followed the illumination of the streetlights.

Her gaze was drawn out of the darkness to the softly illuminated rooms in the houses she passed and she looked unashamedly from one to the next, keeping her focus on the glowing perfection of the domestic scenes allowing her to remain afloat in the sea of darkness around her.

She hurried past a dense hedge to get to the next island of light. To hang on while she gasped a few breaths.

As the well-lit living room allowed her to breathe its light surreptitiously, she noticed a woman walking up and down, holding a baby against her shoulder. The woman patted the baby's back soothingly and then came to a halt in front of the window, looking out into the glowering dusk. Kate felt like a stalker or a burglar casing the joint and she shrunk back, allowing the shadows to hide her. As she looked, another woman joined the scene, putting her arms around the first woman, kissing her neck and then the baby's head.

From her vantage point, Kate could see the woman holding the baby smile as her partner nuzzled her neck. As she watched guiltily she remembered how Caroline would hold her at night in bed. How the protection of her arms and holding her hand throughout the night had illuminated the darkness in her soul. How Caroline's light had been her sentinel.

Kate gasped, as if the oxygen in the light had been taken from her due to her visual intrusion. Her breath caught in her throat and she emitted a reflexive sob. Taking a deep breath she tore her eyes away and scurried up the road to her cottage.


End file.
